Major App Fail: 'Social Girl' by CrowdStar

Every few weeks, I take a trip to the iPhone App Store to see what's new and potentially useful. This time around, I found.... "Social Girl," an app by CrowdStar that I have subtitled, "We Hate Women."  Now, I know that might seem a little harsh or gratuitous or hyperbolic.  So I played through the app a bit (my progress was shut down, which you will see shortly) and took some pretty excellent screenshots.  

Please join me on this delightful tour of chauvinist mind rot!

(1) - Welcome Screen - My "omg are you serious" alert goes off immediately at "hottest cliques" but the piano-skirted rocker chick on the left looks a little like my kind of pal, so I sally forth.

 

(2) Build Your Avatar - Nope. None of them look like me. Bummed.

(3) OMG Dudes! - Choose from five sexy beaus, which I have broken down into their "stock character" categories:  pretty jock, pretty hipster, pretty ethnic dude, pretty rocker dude, pretty bro. 

(Is it just me, or does that facial expression seem rife with humiliation?)

(4) Generic Boyfriend Selection Confirmation - This is the part where I become speechless. If there is one valuable thing my mother (or history) has taught me, it is that the below is categorically NOT TRUE.  And that Twizzlers don't count as breakfast.

(5) The Invitation - Justin has just asked me out on our first date and is already telling me what to wear. This does not bode well for our future.

(6) The Big Date - I ask Justin how he slept. He responds. BEST DATE EVER! (No, seriously. Look.)

WHAT! WHAT?! I am not your accessory, guy-with-a-guitar-on-his-shirt. Justin. Whatever.

(7) Enter Madison - Just as I think this cartoon realm can't become any more nightmarish, I make a new friend.

 

Turns out the "Sporty Hangout" is a line-up of scantily clad cheerleaders and aerobics instructors.  Oh! And they speak, too!

At my current level, I can only talk to Madison.  (The other avatars are "locked" until I reach maximum friendship with Madison, who is apparently the official gate-keeper.)  Oh, and gossiping is the only activity in which Madison will participate.  The key to her heart is apparently some good old trash-talking.  Great.

I AM NOW COOL ENOUGH TO HANG OUT WITH TAYLOR! THANK GOD!  What was I DOING with my life before Taylor? And wait.. there's more? I get new clothes all because I spent time slinging dirt with Madison? Who knew friendship could be so ...lucrative?!

(8) Bubble Buster(s) - I decide to expand my horizons and try to meet some people with whom I might have something in common.  No dice.  I am forcefully told that I'm "Not Cool Enough!" to hang out with the rocker clique.  Looks like I've got a lot more gossiping/clothes buying to do if I want to earn friends that awesome.

I need more friends to level up. I need more clothes to get more dates with my boyfriend which will get me more friends. I hit the in-app shops and learn ...

Okay, whatever. I'll go to the stupid ATM. (Justin wants to take me to a concert and told me to "wear something rad" I think.)  I click on the diamonds. I click on them and click on them and the app freezes and eventually crashes.

(9) The Grand Finale - I am so over this app. I have been insulted and belittled, scorned for my clothes, abandoned by my boyfriend who is likely going to hang out with his four dour-faced friends.  I move on to another app, Temple Run. As soon as I begin to play, I receive the following pop-up:

NO. No, I do NOT want to buy one "Handful of Diamonds" for $1.99 you absolute jerks.  So the app is designed to grind me down and grind me down until, out of sheer desperation to "level up" I am supposed to spend ACTUAL MONEY to go on a click-through date with guitar t-shirt boy? 

A recent news article, which touts that the app was downloaded one million times in the first week, has some great tidbits from CrowdStar CEO Peter Relan:

"Owning an audience on mobile is not so easy,” Relan said. 

“But we’re seeing it is powerful to focus on young women and girls."

Focus on? More like prey upon.  This toxic hot mess is the last thing any young woman needs to get her hands on. 

Anybody want to buy some diamonds?

Ex Libris Moi

Being in love with all things old-fashioned, I have developed a particular crush on the ornate "ex libris" bookplates from the days of yore.

What is "ex libris," you ask? Per Wikipedia:

Ex Libris is a Latin phrase, meaning literally, "from the books". It is often used to indicate ownership of a book, as in "from the books of..." or from the library of...

I collect lots of old books, so I've had the good fortune to stumble across some of these antiqued name-bearing bookplates. Further journeying around the web turned up these beauties:

So of course, the next step was to get my own ex libris on.  Lacking the graphic design panache needed to properly do the job, I found Stacey's shop, Asspocket Productions, on Etsy and knew she was just the woman to help me. 

Update (01/ 16/12): Stacey sent me a quick email describing her process for creating the custom stamps you can find in her shop!

"It's actually a really cool photo process where I make a negative on my computer and then expose special photoreactive polymer gel to a strong light through the negative and it hardens when it develops. I then wash away the unexposed polymer, and cut apart the individual stamps and mount them."

After a careful search, I found exactly what I was yearning for, and when the package arrived I couldn't have been more pleased with the end result.  Ta daaaa!

Now for the fun of tackling my personal library, one book at a time, and a-fixing this eerily lovely little tag.  This feels like such a great way to get my reading life a little bit closer to organized.  (One step closer to checking off that New Year's resolution, and it's only January 13!)

Ex Libris the night away!

Review: How the Mistakes Were Made

Title: How the Mistakes Were Made

Author: Tyler McMahon

Publisher: St. Martin's Griffin

Date Published: 10/11/2011

Pages: 352 

How I Heard About It: Kevin McFarland's review at A.V. Club. 

 

Two Sentence Summary: Former punk icon Laura Loss reluctantly forms a band with two new-to-the scene young men.  Their rise to fame (within the context of the early 90s Seattle grunge scene) is punctuated with typical band drama and flashbacks to Loss's bittersweet involvement in the hardcore scene of the 80s.

Things I Think: Books about the music industry can be total kryptonite for me.  Kristin Hirsh's "Rat Girl," for example, was one of my top five reads of 2011.)  I dove into "How the Mistakes Were Made" with high hopes for a unique tour through the grunge scene.  Everything about the plot seemed promising: the young female bass player from a seminal 80s punk band becomes the drummer and mentor for an up-and-coming 90s grunge act. 

Unfortunately, this book fell immediately flat when I started to notice how unfamiliar and rehearsed the musician's lexicon felt for McMahon.  Sure, he seems to have done a bit of surface-level research into the life of a touring musician, but his lack of familiarity with this world resulted in cliched characters and even more cliche situations.  Moreover, though, the author's choice to narrate via first-person female perspective is totally unbelievable.  McMahon has just as much trouble constructing a feminine persona as he does navigating the dynamics of the grunge scene.  Summarily, the language felt awkward and out of place.  (No hard-edge punk rock girl in her late 20s would use the word "cuckholding" in a conversation about cheating.  McMahon doesn't seem to know this.) 

I've been told I need to read Egan's "A Visit from the Goon Squad" immediately to get my "music book love" back. I feel certain my expectations are not misplaced in this one! 

Violins and Velvet: Plans for a New Year

Happy New Year!  I'm back after a holiday hiatus (in which I shunned my laptop and did some real-people things) and ready to get my powerhouse on.  Like so many others, the chronic organizer within me loves the annual opportunity to list up some resolutions and start ticking them off.  Yes, this practice is hackneyed and pretty far off the "cool" map, but in looking back at lists from years past, I see how well voicing and visualizing Big Life Priorities has been working for me. 

Last year, my life was graduate school, and all of my goals surrounded theses and mad amounts of academic undergoings.  My list this year is much shorter, but its desired results are less "step by step" and a few are going to take some serious elbow grease.

Also, hilarious and strangely helpful is this round-up: "20 Resolutions for 20-Somethings."  (Number 18, for example, is "Back up your entire online life onto an external hard drive, especially your photos." Heck. Yes.)

And now... Some Things To Do in 2012!

  

1.  Become totally awesome at sewing.  Make more clothes. I want it to be Project Runway in my apartment by 2013.

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2.  Start and complete a new poetry manuscript (60-80 pages.) Also, get a chapbook published.

3.  Write and publish a romance novel under a hilarious pen name.

4. Catch up on book backlog. Read at least 60 books (that I already own!) Keep a reading journal! Also, get non-awful bookshelves and organize my over-flowing library.

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5.  Learn about film. Chiefly, watch loads of Criterion Collection movies.

6.  Run a 5K.

7. Practice violin 2-3 times per week and start playing music with other humans again.  (Read: Stop neglecting the music.)

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8.  Invest in going to the opera and the theatre more frequently.

9. Write more letters. Send more parcels. Communicate with long-distance friends extra-frequently.

10.  Finally go on a weekend getaway to the country and be very, very quiet.

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The only thing I have to say to you, 2012, is, "Bring it."

View from the Stude: New Mural in Progress (26th St.)

 

 

 

 

Review: Light Boxes by Shane Jones

Title: Light Boxes
Author: Shane Jones
Publisher: Publishing Genius Press
Pages: 172
ISBN: 982081316
 

How I Heard About It: Jessa Crispin's interview with Shane Jones at Bookslut.

 

Two Sentence Summary: A small town is driven to despair and desperate measures by acts of malevolent schemer, February, who steals flight and warmth and children.  Thaddeus Lowe struggles alongside balloonists and beloved(s) to encourage the return of Spring.

Things I Think: This short, surrealist book reads like a collection of poetry, comprised of brief (often page-long) titled pieces that shift perspective from character to character.  (So of course, I was immediately interested.  Such a choice also means the book is a pretty quick read.)  Experimentation with type-setting and pagination works synchronously with the narrative.  The author's use of symbolism (recurring visions of "flight" appear as owls, kites, balloons, teeth, to name a few)  gives Light Boxes the feel of a grand mythology - a new brothers Grimm story set on shifting terrain, a fairy tale of every-time, every-place, every-worry.

Light Boxes has been accused of 'kitschy' melancholy by some, but I feel this negative summation ignores the beautiful work Jones does at the line level.  Yes, I'm reading not as prose, but poetry, and I think such a distinction re-frames Light Boxes in a pertinent way.  My experience was that of peering into a dollhouse, less concerned with the large-scale architecture than the individual, delicate trappings carefully placed in each room.  While I sense that Jones' design could use a bit of a re-org in places, his writerly gestures are ultimately quiet, focused, poignant.

For more thoughts, check out the beautiful review from The Rumpus or this less conventional write-up at Urban Elitest.

Mailbox Magic: "Damascus" and Mary Kay

My mailbox, tiny though it may be, has been a pretty happening place lately.  The delight of finding a padded surprise-filled mailer, particular when unexpected, is incomparable.

Exhibit A: Care Package from Meghan

Meghan Flannery is one of the most extraordinary humans I have the pleasure of knowing.  We've been adventuring together for the last ten years, and though frequently distanced (Meghan and her brilliant husband recently moved to Brooklyn), the good times have not been staunched.  This talented crafter, chef, music afficionado, sexy librarian (I could keep going) has sent me some of the best care packages a girl could ask for.  When I was living in England, she sent me American peanut butter, mac 'n cheese, and Ranch dressing - staples of my diet that she knew I couldn't access.  Treasure trove, I say!

Here's what I found in my mailbox most recently:

An eyeliner fiend's true love.

Meghan is my Mary Kay rep (read: dealer) and sent me some serious love.  Black eyeliner being ever a part of my personage, she hooked me up with the above-pictured accoutrements: onyx black mascara and this bubbly pink eye-makeup remover. It's pretty much the best ever.  My eyes have been reveling in the glory for days.  Her site is up and running, and she's got free shipping. I'm in big trouble (and so are you.)

Exhibit B: "Damascus" by Josh Mohr

#loveyoujosh

Thanks to a giveaway on my favorite local lit blog, The Rumpus, I got the hook-up on a copy of Josh Mohr's latest book, "Damascus."  Reasons to love this book: It's set in my neighborhood, the book is beautifully designed, and Josh is an alum-turned-prof at my recent alma mater, USF.  He's excellent, his prose is gritty and wicked, and his publisher sent this delicious new book straight to the welcoming silver walls of my mailbox. Nothing left to be desired here, folks.

And now, having already been spoiled rotten, I'm off to dinner at Bushi-Tei with my dining companion and other half, Myla K. Tutt. Knocking on wood, but life is pretty damn good. Hope you are all having a cozy weekend.