Friday, April 17, 2009

The Best Email I Have Ever Gotten

Last week, my parents came to check out the sunny Mission and cruise the then-windy streets of San Francisco with their second-born child in tow. While on a drive, I detailed to my father the events surrounding the mysterious disappearance of the Mr. Pickles Sandwich Shop sidewalk mascot. Several days have transpired since then, and my dear father and I have not spoken of this unfortunate event. However, this morning, I awoke to the following email (certainly, the best I have ever received.)

Dear Karen:

I continue to put my full efforts toward keeping the trail warm in the search to find Mr. Pickles. I wish I could report that he had been recovered but this is not the case. I do at least have something positive to share with you. We now know that Mr. Pickles may not have been stolen as thought but rather may have done a "bust out" move of his own from his famous restaurant at the corner of the Mission District close your apartment.

Some witnesses say he grew tired of the pole up his butt that kept him from falling over. Others say it was for more complex reasons. We will only know for sure once we have a chance to fully interrogate him upon his retrieval. The unfortunate facts are that there are indications that he may have joined a gang of vegetable led terrorists. There is some factual evidence of this that I want to share with you.

The following picture was snapped of Mr. Pickles yesterday in Cincinnati from our remote surveillance satellite. You can clearly see Mr. Pickles in an act of barbarism-- caught green handed leaving a Subway sandwich shop with a hostage under his arm.

As you can see he is heavily armed with semi- automatic condiment dispensers and likely is willing to use these horrid weapons of "ass destruction" if confronted. We rushed to the site of this picture hoping to find him but he had vanished. We believe that he is still in the area and we are following up on our leads with several eye witnesses today. I will keep you posted as our investigation continues. May god help us all if we don't soon find him and bring him back to his rightful owners.

Faithfully Yours,

Inspector Pere