A City Girl's Guide to Moving Out and Moving On

1) IDENTIFY UPHEAVAL NECESSITY FACTOR

Has your current residence begun to feel like a passive aggressive minefield, an agro terrain that you must breathlessly tread across to use the toaster oven? Does your roommate party until 4 AM on school-nights, aware that your vile alarm will arouse you a mere two hours later? Has a sense of Janus-style two facery become The Norm chez toi? Is your personal space riddled with strife, distrust, and a newly discovered ritual of starting the day off with a steaming cup of discord?

If you answered "yes" to these questions, then girl, it's time to move out and move on.

Living in a big city with uber-competitive housing, you will be tempted to stay, a subconscious last-ditch effort to avoid more difficulty in these tumultuous times. After all, it's going to cost you a LOT of money. (First month's rent, last month's rent, security deposit....) And, after all, you have moved four times in the last 15 months...

2) STOP BEING A RETICENT CHILD AND HAVE SOME INTEGRITY!

That's right. Get on Craigs List. Immediately. Click on EVERY single opening for a roommate within a 30 mile radius. Write the best damn piece of self-promotion in the history of the Mission District. Tinge your honesty with some sparkly adjectives, dull that desperate edge, and charm you way into the hearts of some fabulously sane potential housemates. *

*This process will need to be repated on a daily basis. Responses will be sparse, as nearly everyone in your proximity is a)equally as quirky/fabulous as you certainly are and b)potentially much more cutthroat in their attempts than you are willing to be. So either start baking panfuls of pot brownies to get the Bribe Train rolling, or respond to Craigs List posts until your wee little fingers are mere BONE.

3) DO THE DAMN THING ALREADY.

Make a spur of the moment decision. Trust the kindness in the singular email response that works its way repeatedly to the top of your inbox. Have a cup of coffee with the new potential sharers-of-your-life-space, recognize that they are neither axe-murderers nor faux Artistes Elite, warm to their utter lack of pretention and their genuine requests for radical honesty, and shake hands on it.

The house doesn't matter. It just so happens that it will turn out to be fabulously romantic and filled with fun, attractive people, but even if the place were a hovel.... shake hands on it. Remember, lady, you have got to stick to your guns at all costs. Remember that you only want one thing from people: The Truth! The Whole Enchilada of Honesty! This has been wildly lacking in your former casa, so spring for the Backbone Implant and march on out Guevara style.

4) GET OFF THE FENCE AND CELEBRATE YOUR SWEET NEW PAD!

You've moved before. It's a personnel issue, every blasted time. People are going to say shit about you when you're gone. Whoever (rapidly) steps up to fill the role you were hesitantly trudging through will learn of your strange habits, your moral shortcomings, your quirky and slightly disturbing collection of Found Objects. Assumptions will be made about your choice to leave. The chips will fall, and your sweet little anachronistic photograph will fade to nothingness, after having been graffitied with self-important words like "Uncollaborative."

Let not the whisperings distress you, you well-dressed warrior of the urban jungle! You've got the tenacity to keep up your quiet brilliance. And while you do not engage in the Obnoxious Trumpeting of Achievement (via egregious Facebook Status Updates, mass emails, or sneaky behind-the-back whisper sessions), the people who know what's what will provide you with an unshakeable support group and flourish alongside you.